The Netherlands is one of the best places to live if you’re a member of the LGBTQIA+ community: same-sex activity has been legal since in 1811; it was the first country in the world to allow same-sex marriage in 2001; and couples can adopt children. There is, in effect, no difference between being ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ except in how people choose to constitute their families and living arrangements.

This article traces the journeys taken by two gay foreigners living in the Netherlands: Gregory Bracken, an Assistant Professor in Urbanism originally from Ireland, and TJ Rivera, a graduation-year masters’ student in Architecture originally from the Philippines. These are our personal stories, both different yet with oddly similar trajectories. This is perhaps because we’re both from devoutly Catholic countries where we were seen as ‘bad queers’ – using Carl Stychin’s memorable terminology (1998). In the Netherlands, however, we’re ‘good gays’ and these are our personal reflections on how this came to be. Our stories will hopefully help you understand the journeys we’ve taken to becoming accepted as citizens here, despite our difference from the majority in a heteronormative society. And while our stories are positive and our own personal and professional outlooks optimistic, we end this piece with a warning about the internal struggles in the LGBTQIA+ community because of new homonormativity’s dividing practice which are in danger of fragmenting it along dangerous new lines of race, class, and gender.